


When It's Cold And There's No Music

by OverHillAndUnderTree



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: AU where Joel joins up with Ish and his group, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Minor Character Death, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, non-canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-03 21:31:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13349916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverHillAndUnderTree/pseuds/OverHillAndUnderTree
Summary: You are living in the sewers with Ish and his group, looking after the children and acting as a bodyguard at night. A few strange interactions with the quiet Texan man make you wonder if this new world is so bad, after all.





	1. You need to Live to Grieve

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! I hope you enjoy - Consider this the setup for a series of chapters that I'll be adding to periodically. Joel is a very interesting character to write, and I'm a sucker for reader inserts!  
> I'm also a sucker for some smut - so expect some of that down the line!  
> **Little teeny tiny warning about this chapter!**  
> It gets a little bit grim - there's mention of fairly gruesome death, my apologies, I tried to keep it to a minimum, but if you followed the little side-story of Ish in the game, you'll know it had to be done.

You sit in the dark and the damp, the area barely illuminated by the light of a tiny candle. You cradle a child's face in your hands, making sure she fixes her gaze on you. 

"Not a squeak sweetheart, okay?" you had whispered to her moments before, soothing her with your calm, gentle voice. Although calm and gentle is not how your insides felt when you said it. "We're gonna play a game, okay? You have to look at me until I say stop, and we can't make a sound. The first person to make a noise has to wash Joel's dirty socks!" you had jested quietly, although fully knowing that a six year old would understand what was going on. But you tried.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"They hung a sign up in our town..." you heard a deep voice singing the beautiful tune. He was singing quietly, but not so quietly that you couldn't make out the gorgeous vibrato in his voice. You rounded a corner to where the voice was coming from, and you saw him. He stood with his back to you, peeling the skin off of the potatoes that Ish had struggled for so long to grow, using a wooden table that sat against the wall of the dark maintenance room in the sewer. You stood by the door, listening to him singing softly to himself. You had seen this man before, but he was usually very quiet, reserved and uptight. The way he let his shoulders slump as he sang was lovely; he looked like a man well in need of a break.

"but it's so hard to dance that way..." hearing this part of the song struck something within you, and before you knew what you were doing you sang "when it's cold and there's no music" in response.  
Not expecting to hear a voice behind him, he accidentally sliced himself with the knife he was using, blood immediately oozing from the wound.  
He didn't cry out or seem startled that he had cut himself, he simply turned to look at you. You immediately grabbed some binding, cloth and a bottle of alcohol that were lying on a shelf and you hurried to him, grabbing his hand (despite his efforts to pull his hand away and wipe it in his grimy shirt).   
"I apologise, I didn't mean to startle you, it's just been so long since I've heard music" you said, placing the binding on the table.   
"That's alright." he replied simply, not wincing as you washed his wound with the alcohol and cloth. It was a clean slice into the palm of his hand, but wasn't deep, he wouldn't need stitches. You grabbed the binding and wrapped it around his hand, subconsciously humming the rest of the tune, now stuck in your head, as you concentrated.

"That's a mighty set of pipes" he said, startling you this time.  
"Oh- thank you so much" you blurted, feeling your cheeks turning red and thanking your lucky stars that the darkness and the tiny bits of cold light coming down from above were doing their job concealing that.  
"Your voice is wonderful" you continued, finishing his bandaging yet still holding his hand in yours. "But it's sad. I've never heard so much sadness in a voice."

He merely grunted and pulled his hand away, returning to peeling potatoes as he had been before. You stood behind him for a moment, regretting what you'd said, before turning and walking away.  
As you were about to round the corner, you heard him say "thanks for patching me up".

 

You smiled to yourself; he's not as bad as everyone says.

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The clicking sounds had been further down the damp tunnel, but now they are close, and they're drawing nearer. You steady your breathing and smile at Elizabeth, and she smiles back. This child is only six years old, and the strength she is showing is phenomenal. You realise that she knows exactly what's happening, and that she's trying to reassure you that she's alright, and that she's not going to scream or cry. You haven't known Elizabeth for very long, or any of the children kept here by Ish, but you know that he's doing one hell of a job raising them. You just hope the others got out alright. The intrusive thought of Joel being gnawed at by a clicker appears in your mind and you have to shake it, refusing to let yourself think that way. He is alright. You know he is.

 

The clicking draws near and you allow your eyes to trail away from the child for a moment to check your surroundings, and Elizabeth looks away from your face and follows your eyes to stare into the dark abyss surrounding you. The candle lighting on the damp floor between you begins to illuminate a twisted, morbid shape staggering towards you, writhing and clicking as it walks. You can only see the basic outline thanks to the candle, but you know it is facing your direction. Its echolocation has picked you up, and it's only a matter of time before it stumbles upon you.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

 

"Alright, who's on guard?" Ish asked, waiting for one of the responsible adults to volunteer. In the silence you sighed, rising from your seated position next to a group of five children, all of whom had grown attached to you like the Lost Boys to Wendy. "No problem Ish, I'll do it" you said, bored of the constant shifting around everyone did once the night watch was mentioned. "Someone keep watch while I tuck in the kids and I'll be right there".  
You scratched your neck, feeling the appreciative sighs of relief around you weighing heavy on you. These people couldn't even sit on a fucking rock for a few hours to keep these kids safe?

"I'll keep you company" a deep, Texan drawl startled you, coming from the corner of the small room. You recognised the bulky frame that stood up as Joel, with whom you had become quite close. After the awkward singing encounter, the two of you bumped into each other quite a bit, exchanging pleasantries. You weren't sure why he was around you as much as he was: you'd read a lot of books both before and during the outbreak, maybe Joel liked hearing you talk about them? He would silently stand next to you as you were performing a task, or offer to go with you on hunts and scavenging runs.

 

"Alright then, Joel and (Y/N), you guys are on watch. We've completely sealed the western entrance after a little bout with clickers earlier, so we just need you guys posted east for the night, no need to patrol back and forth" Ish explained, his calm yet firm voice was always a comfort.   
"Now, children, I know (Y/N) said she was going to tuck you in, but if you'll all come with me, I think we'll have a game of soccer before bed, eh?" he had a devilish grin on his face as the children squealed in delight and went running down the hall towards the small rec room. It was only a goalpost painted on a wall, but to them it was magical. A sweet little girl, Elizabeth, pulled at your sleeve for you to give her a kiss on the forehead before she ran off, delighted.  
"Kick his ass, kids!" you exclaimed, making the children giggle as they ran after Ish. 

Everyone in the room stared at you, but not in appreciation. They all thought you were loud, overly optimistic and naive. The bags under their eyes seemed to deepen when they looked at you.  
"Fuckin' loud mouth is gonna call every clicker within ten miles over here" you heard someone whisper, and you tensed up. They all hated you, but you didn't care. You loved Ish and the children, and the lives they were trying to build. You wanted to brighten their day as much as you could, even if that meant you were disliked by everyone else.  
"You got somethin' to say, boy?" Joel was behind you, and you felt his hand on your shoulder. "Speak up now, I don't think the lady heard you".  
The man, you knew him to be called Karl, stood up slowly. "And what's it to you?" he asked Joel. He was about three meters away from the two of you, but you felt so small in comparison to the two burly men. You didn't want a fight to break out; not on your account, and especially not involving Joel.

"It's alright Joel, really, it doesn't bother me. Come on, we'll be late for watch", you tugged at his arm and attempted to bring him down the hallway towards the exit you were to guard.  
Joel remained grounded for a moment, glaring at Karl, before reluctantly following you towards the corridor. You both had to walk past Karl to get there, and as you passed, he said "Good Dog", which was a mistake.

 

As you both sat in the cold with your backs against the door leading down to the sewers, you both made jokes about how Karl's face was going to look in the morning after Joel pummeled him. You heard Joel laugh for the first time, and it was wonderful.   
"You've got a hearty laugh. Like a deep belly laugh" you commented, rubbing your gloved hands together and seeing the steam from your breath float around them.  
"I suppose it depends what's makin' me laugh" he said, the tone of amusement still in his voice.  
"What, like when I told you Karl's gonna wake up looking like a bloater?"   
"Nah, that wasn't that funny" he smirked, and you punched his arm playfully.  
"Asshole. I can make better jokes."  
"Well I don't know how you're gonna top that one", you never thought you'd hear sarcasm in the voice of such a serious man. He was letting his guard down around you but you weren't sure why.  
"Thank you though, for earlier. They're good people, I swear. They just don't like me much." you said, the serious tone returning to the conversation.  
"How the hell can you call those assholes good people? They act like you're not there, and when they're not doing that they're whispering about you or making comments at you." Joel scratched his beard as he spoke, visibly frustrated.  
"Well they're not trying to kill me or rob me. That makes them good people in this world, Joel." you said softly, sadly.  
"I don't know. A post apocalyptic asshole's still an asshole." he huffed, and you chuckled. You didn't think he meant it to be funny, but you laughed anyway.   
"Wasn't meant to be funny" he said, confirming your thoughts.  
"I know, it just feels nice to laugh. That's why I love looking after the kids - they make me smile and laugh and forget about what's out here for a while."   
He shook his head and exhaled, in disbelief at your positive disposition in such a negative world. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________

You crouch low, leaving the child beside the candle where you can keep an eye on her, and grab a small glass bottle next to the wall to the left of the clicker. It's so close now, and you hold your breath for a moment before hurling the bottle out into the darkness for the clicker to follow, and your plan is effective; the clicker screeches and stumbles off towards the noise. One problem with this plan: it will draw more. You frantically feel the ground around you for something sharp, anything that you can try to fight them off with, as you can hear the clicking growing near again. They are drawn by the screeches of the other clicker, searching for the source of the sound of the shattered bottle. 

"Christ!" you exclaim as you spin on your heels, realising there's a clicker to your immediate right. You aren't its target, however. Elizabeth screams as the clicker staggers, shrieking towards her, baring its vile teeth. You leap without thinking and grab the candle, shoving the burning wax end into the clicker's fungal-plated face. It screeches and reels back, flailing wildly, and more of them flank you, attracted by the sound.  
You grab the girl's arm and run, you're definitely hurting her, but you'd rather inflict a little pain on her arm than have her torn apart by clickers. You run aimlessly in the dark, desperately hoping to get far enough from the clickers that you might find a corner to crouch in where they won't find you. You can't see - you're guided by the occasional shore above your head, providing some natural light from the world above the sewer.

 

Your footsteps splashing in the water, coupled with the frantic child at your heels who is now wheezing and gasping with terror, are alerting the clickers to your every move, allowing them to pursue you with ease.   
They are gaining on you as you run blindly through the tunnel, bumping into boxes of clothes and supplies is not helping you put any distance between you and your pursuers.  
"We're gonna die" the child screams, clutching your arm and clinging to you as you run, attempting to bury her face in your leg.

This causes you to trip, and you fall face-first onto the wet ground, but the child continues to run, turning left down a dark hallway that you know leads to a barricaded dead-end.

Most of the clickers follow the child, but two of them have decided to stay and take the easy meal, which is you. Disgusting limbs grab at you, wrestling to get their mouths around the flesh of your neck.  
The entire thing happened in an instant. Two loud bangs caused your ears to ring and the clickers fell limp next to you.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Karl continued to leer and glare at you every time he saw you, but that was fine. Ish, the children and Joel kept your spirits up. You knew very little about them, but that was fine. People refrained from talking about their pasts in much detail; it was much too painful.

You were on your way to the little makeshift classroom you had created; you had salvaged a few books on your journey and you would read to them every once in a while. Little Elizabeth was sitting in the room by herself. You knelt down beside her and watched her drawing her pictures with the few supplies she had, huddled next to a lit, thick wax candle that was placed on the floor. She decided to draw Ish and Danny, titling her piece "our protectors". What a sweet girl.  
"Elizabeth, I know they are gonna love this!" you said, patting her softly on the back. She smiled in silence and continued with her work, her little tongue sticking out of her mouth in concentration.

"Kyle's trapped in a room back there!" you heard someone shout. "It's too dangerous!" another voice - Ish? - yelled. You heard gunshots and you thought that you could faintly hear Joel shouting your name.  
There was a horrible commotion outside in the hall as people were running frantically past the door-less classroom. You stuck your head out the door and saw the backs of the rest of the group running towards the exit. Both left and right of the doorway, you heard clicking.

______________________________________________________________________________________

"Get up. Now. Go" - it's Joel. You were right when you thought you heard him calling for you - he's come to help!  
"Joel - Elizabeth, she went running to-" you look down the dead-ended corridor through which the child had sprinted, and bile rises in your throat. As your hearing returns to normal after the gunshots, you hear her screaming for her mother, muffled by the sounds of hungry clickers fighting for flesh.  
You rise to your feet and start to make your way towards her but Joel grabs your arm firmly, wordlessly, and runs with you, but you only look behind you towards the dark corridor, no longer able to hear Elizabeth's screams. You think of her beautiful drawing and of the way she smiled at you even though she was terrified. Joel slams through the metal door of the exit with his shoulder and you both fall to your knees on the grass, coughing and gasping for breath. Joel quickly rises and slams the door behind you, barricading it with whatever miscellaneous large items he could find.  
"No" you whimper, clutching the grass in your fists. "Christ Almighty, no"  
You know you can't go back there. You know there's no saving Elizabeth. She's gone.  
"Y/N, trust me, I know more than anybody how much this hurts, but right now we gotta move" Joel says urgently. He kneels in front of you as he speaks, placing his hands on both your upper arms, steadying you from your sobs.  
You are startled out of your sobs by a pounding on the door behind you. For a split second your hopefully optimistic heart jumped, praying it was Elizabeth or one of the others trying to escape, however all you can hear are grunts and clicks. There are no human screams or calls for help.

Joel grips your upper arm and pulls you to your feet, breaking into a sprint towards the woods. You look at his back and you can see that he has his backpack with all of his weapons. You both could have gone back in there. You could do something.   
"Joel - you've got guns! We could go back!" you sob desperately as you run behind him, his hand still firmly grasping your arm, pulling you along with him.  
He stops suddenly and turns to you, his tall form looming over you, almost intimidatingly.  
"I'm gonna have to be harsh with you here girl - if we go back in there, you and I are as good as dead. You're gonna need to get your shit together for me here, 'cause we need to get some distance between us and that place. Shit happens, ain't nothing you coulda' done. Move on and live."  
His firm words shake you to your core and you stare at him wide-eyed, his intense gaze making you feel utterly tiny. You know he could have left you. He could have let you sob on the ground and left you for the clickers, but he hasn't done that. You're not sure whether that's out of fear to be alone or out of concern for you, but it doesn't matter. He's right. You can grieve for them later, but you need to live to grieve.

You lift your chin and meet his stare dead-on. "Alright. Where to?"


	2. That's Why You're Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You, my lovely reader, have a lot to learn about the post-apocalyptic wasteland in which you've found yourself. Good thing you have Joel with you to show you the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of violence and a bit of building sexual tension, cause I am itching to write some sweet Joel smut.

"What would even happen, I wonder, if we got rid of all the infected? Or if we found a cure? You reckon humanity could come back from all this?"  
You pose this question to Joel as you both sit eating tinned beans in the back of an old convenience store.  
He ponders it for a moment and shakes his head. "I'm not sure. I've seen people eat people, I've seen people murdered for an old can of soda. I'm not sure we can go back to 'hi, good morning, how are the kids?' after something like this."  
You sit in silence and take in his response. "I don't know, Joel. I think people are capable of a lot more than you're giving them credit for. It's fear that's making everyone so crazy, that's all it is."  
He merely shakes his head.  
"That's a dangerous view to have" he says solemnly, "that view was beaten out of me a long, long time ago".  
'Beaten out of me', you ponder this for a long time. You realise that Joel would have been through much more than you could imagine. This both reassures and scares you. You have a lot more horror to experience.

___________________________________________________________________________

Joel's frustration with you had grown immensely in the three weeks since you began travelling alone together. You swear he's acquired a few new grey hairs.

"I am telling you to shut up"  
"And I'm telling you no!" you hiss quietly, mimicking his accent. The two of you are hunched shoulder-to-shoulder on the ground behind an old, thoroughly rusted black car. Within the car lay a poor man who had been mowed down by the military. The Quarantine Zone ahead must have been at capacity, the poor thing. You mentioned this to Joel upon initial approach to the car, and received a "yeah, times are tough", which you believe was sarcastic.  
Beyond the car, however, is a gruesome scene: out in the overgrown, vine-ridden street ahead, there kneels a man and a woman. They are in their early thirties at the oldest, and the man groans occasionally, sobbing softly, both of them facing your direction.  
Six Hunters obscure your view of the couple, and all six have their backs to you. Some hold large chunks of wood, others hold shotguns.

"See, we don't believe you!" one man bellows, his voice echoing through the desolate, abandoned street.  
"We know you came from a big fucking group. We just want your shit, and you can hit the road. You just gotta tell us where it is. Not that hard, is it boys?"  
The other five men chuckle.  
"Please", comes a trembling voice from the man. "Please, we have no group, we're alone, I swear to you. You can have everything that we've found, I'll give you all of it!"  
The Hunter that had initially spoken brings the end of his shotgun to the side of the poor man's head, making the woman cry out in shock.  
"Don't tell me shit I already know! We've got all your shit already! It's not enough!" he roars.  
The Hunter begins telling the poor man all of the horrid things he's going to put him through if he doesn't tell him where their group is hidden.

"Joel, we can help! They've got their backs turned, they're totally defenseless!" you plead quietly, careful to keep your voice down as you are mere meters from earshot of the Hunters.  
"Do you see me swimming in ammo here?" he asks harshly. "No. This ammo is to keep us safe, not to play the Goddamn Good Samaritan.Now we are gonna turn around and go back the way we came" he says, his authoritarian tone and self surity infuriating you.  
You grip your bow in your right hand, peeking up through one of the windows to see only five Hunters with their backs to you. Oh shit.  
Joel notices too, and you can see him concentrating, trying to hear where the other has gone.  
Joel inhales sharply and suddenly he's pushing you onto your back and rolling you underneath the car. He rolls under with you, dragging his backpack underneath along next to him. You lie on your back, the world passing you by in a blur as Joel hovers above you, his body pressed flush against yours. A gunshot rings out on the other side of the car and you can't help but allow a small gasp to escape you. Joel presses a hand over your mouth and you're suddenly very aware of the closeness of him.  
One of the Hunters had produced a 9mm and had fired a warning shot into the man's leg. He cries out in pain, his shrieks making you shudder with guilt. You should be helping them. 

Joel concentrates once more, pressing even closer to you in order to lean down and see out from under the car. Your breasts protest in discomfort as the broad man's full weight is pressed down on them, but Joel doesn't seem to notice. You forget yourself for a moment, intrusive thoughts forcing their way into your mind. In such a provocative position, and with it being impossible to find any sort of solo sexual relief while travelling with a man that doesn't like you to be more than a few meters away from him, your mind was forcing these thoughts upon you. Thoughts of this situation minus the car, the Hunters and the clothes.  
He mouths to you that the other Hunter is back with the group, lifting his weight off of you and returning to his original position crouched next to the car.  
He extends a hand underneath the car and helps to pull you out.Unable to take the man's desparate screams anymore, you reach into your backpack and pull out a smoke bomb.  
Joel is too late to stop you, reaching out to try to restrain your arm as you hurl the smoke bomb into the gang.

"You fucking idiot!" he shouts as he pops his head over the car with his Hunting Rifle, firing off a couple of random rounds (ensuring he aims high so as hot to hit the couple on the ground).  
You rummage once again in your backpack and fire a nail bomb to the left.  
As you suspected, the blinded Hunters follow the sound to get out of the smoke cloud, and the bomb detonates, killing three and wounding one.  
Joel picks off the remaining Hunters with ease once the smoke clears.  
"Alright, they're dead, those two have their chance to escape. I hope you're happy." he says urgently, tugging at your arm to take you away from the area in case clickers or, worse, other Hunters might have heard the explosions and gunfire.  
You tug your arm back and run to the couple, hoping to help the man to safety incase the injury to his leg is too severe for him to walk. Joel remains hidden behind the car, keeping subtle lookout while you tend to the wounded man.  
You kneel next to him, inspecting his leg carefully.  
"Thank you so much" he wheezes as you sift through the contents of your backpack, looking for alcohol and bandages.  
"Don't worry about it" you say softly, removing the bandages from your bag. "I hope now you'll go on and do something like that for somebody else once you're on your way."  
Swiftly, the woman grabs your 9mm from its holster on your bag, standing and pressing the cold metal against your temple.  
"I feel real bad about this, kid. I do. But we're gonna need that bag, along with any ammo you have".  
"What? I risked my life to save you!" you cry out, utterly confused. She hits you in the back of the head with the gun, attempting to knock you out, but you merely kneel there, dazed and confused with a ringing in your ears.  
Suddenly she collapses into a heap of blood next to the injured man, and you scream.  
You turn swiftly to see Joel standing there with his rifle, and you grab your bag and run to his side, albeit very shakily. The pain in your head, the fear and the shock all combine for the adrenaline rush required for you to run faster next to Joel, the both of you escaping the area into a large office building through a collapsed wall.  
Joel crouches with you, leading you through the room with the gaping hole and into a warmer, closed-off room with two doors that you could keep shut. He keeps one hand on your shoulder as you both move swiftly and quietly through the building, helping your dizziness.  
Once inside the safer room, Joel stands and helps you to stand as well.  
You lose your balance, however, from the head injury and you fall limp, Joel having to catch you before you hit the floor.

"Hey, now, don't push it", he steadies you on your feet, one hand in yours and the other around your waist. you lean back against a desk and look down at your hands, not wanting to look at him. You're such an idiot - you should have listened to Joel and not interfered.  
"Turn around, let me see the back of your head there" he says softly. He could very well lecture you, give you an I-told-you-so, but he knows by your expression and the wound you've just acquired that you don't need him to tell you that you're an idiot.

You turn to face the desk and place your hands on it to steady yourself, and he stands behind you, inspecting your wound. "Shit, yeah that's bleeding heavy, no wonder you're dizzy. You alright? You need to sit down?" you deserve the pain and the blood loss for being such an idiot.  
Your shoulders start to shake uncontrollably, you can't hold back the tears.  
"Joel, I'm sorry" you sob, still not facing him. You can't look at him. You put yourself in danger, and even worse, you put him in danger. All for someone who tried to kill you seconds later.  
He put a silent hand on your shoulder.  
"You're a kind person, (Y/N). I admire you for still having that kindness even with the world havin' gone to shit for as long as it has. But I promise you, you're a rare find. Your sort of kindness ain't around anymore." he spins you around and makes you look at him, your red face stained with tears. If you weren't embarrased before, you sure as hell are now.  
"I almost got us both killed" you mutter, unable to gather your thoughts thanks to the ringing in your ears and the pain in your head.  
"Are we dead?" he asks.  
"What?" you reply, finally meeting his gaze. His usual intense stare has become softer, and sadder.  
"Are we dead?" he repeats.  
"No" you whisper, tearing your eyes away from him once more.  
He hooks his hand under your chin, lifting your head. "No. We are not. You made a mistake, but that's how you learn. You're gonna make more of them. I'm gonna make mistakes too, but that's why you're here. To get me out of whatever spots I might get myself into".  
"Thank you, Joel", you can only muster a murmur as you feel yourself shaking again, leaning on the desk for support. Your consciousness fades and the last thing you hear is Joel telling you you'll be alright, able to feel his arms around you supporting you, keeping you safe. What a wonderful way to pass out.

**Author's Note:**

> And there we have it! Feedback is A L W A Y S greatly appreciated, I'm always looking to improve!  
> And let me know if anyone fancies a bit of smut in the chapters to follow!


End file.
